Would you like some cheese with that whine?
Me: OH MY GOD! I'm never going outside without long johns on ever again! In my whole life! Unfortunate Friend of Me: We can walk to the next bus stop and warm up. Me: No! Walking creates wind! And wind...
View ArticleI like to call it my Skittles-Top.
In the last couple of months I've put on about 7 WHOLE POUNDS! Enough to put me in my fat pants, or maybe just MUFFIN TOP THE SHIT out my regular pants... Which is so weird, considering my current diet...
View ArticleFun times had today!
Nothing says "I work in Belltown" like crazy old hobos yelling at me through my office window because he can't pee in the streets, but OH HELL YOU THINK HE WON'T STILL PEE IN THE STREETS?! He will! And...
View ArticlePost-nasal Thanksgiving
I don't know what the hell is going on with me. Five long years of never (hardly ever) getting sick, to a series of colds, and a weeks-long stint of "walking pneumonia". Which, by the way, is like...
View ArticleJennifer's First World Problems
I donated more than half of my handbag collection to Northwest Center, and I still have too many handbags! I have to buy a new pair of shoes for the rainy weather, because all my shoes have leather...
View ArticleNo. 2 (Not THAT No. 2, you boobs!)
This coffee tastes like pencil... I don't even eat pencils, and I know that this coffee tastes like pencil. It is PENCIL-ICIOUS.
View ArticleWhat's a bitch gotta do for some pak tong kou?
Seriously. WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE STEAMED RICE CAKES, SEATTLE? There are 20,000 Chinese here! WHY NO RICE CAKES?! WHERE ARE THEY?! WHERE?!? Is there some secret underground steamed rice cake...
View ArticleCulturally Oversensitive Teen
Me: Aww! Look at the Brownies! Turdface: (Horrified) ... Mom! That's racist! They're called African Americans! 3 Other Things That Are Racist, According to Turdface Naming coconut cookies "Samoas". Tea...
View ArticleAll my phone calls end in threats and insults.
My Pretend Arizona Boyfriend: I am so going to kick your ass. Me: You can't kick my ass. I'm a ninja! My Pretend Arizona Boyfriend: Ninjas have grace and agility. YOU ARE NOT A NINJA. Me: What are you...
View ArticleThe one in which I will not address my absence. Trust me, all you missed was...
What happens when you get laid off: Nothing. Nothing happens. Because it is super boring being laid off. Also, you start ironing your dish towels, cleaning your faucets with a toothbrush, and acting...
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The Seattle Excessive Floor Area Museum.
You know you've moved to the Central District when you can no longer get pizza delivered. Because, OOH! My neighborhood is so scary! With its gay bars and its synagogue and its pie shop... And its...
View ArticleI can't get a pizza delivered, but I can get super drunk and roll the...
The best thing about my new apartment is, hands down, the proximity to gay bars. Also, I am not at all saddened by the propensity of gay men to buy me drinks, call me "gorgeous", and laugh at my...
View ArticleChildhood snack food - RUINED!
The restroom at the food bank I volunteer at smells just like orange creamsicles... It's official! I'm never eating orange creamsicles again!
View ArticleThe World's Longest Job Interview
Three hours... I am not exaggerating. In fact, I am DISexaggerating, because it was actually 3.5 hours... Three and a half hours of talking about myself. I did discover a few things though. I can talk...
View ArticleLOOK AT ME! POSTING ON PIEHOLE!
Just so you know - It's way easier to pretend you're not drunk when you're not walking sideways across your apartment building courtyard, wearing a top hat. Don't say I never taught you anything.
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